My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
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