i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
