i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
