I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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