Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
