She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
