im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
