Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
