no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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