i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
