I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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