What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
