We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
