i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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