Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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