remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
