im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
