Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
