Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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