I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
