My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
