My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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