He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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