Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
