Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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