So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
