I think I died a long time ago.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
