none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
