Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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