I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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