You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
