I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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