the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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