It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
