the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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