My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
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