I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
