I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
