how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
