Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
