So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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