he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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