I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
