I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
be right there i have to get my cape
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
