We're facebook friends in real life
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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