dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
