that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Two words: nipple clamps
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