...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
