Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
