So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
